


ever-beating heart

by stardust_studio



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Abandonment Issues, Body Horror, Canon-Typical Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Cigarette mention, Depression, Distrust, Gen, Jonny-centric, Let Them Be Happy Challenge, Multi, Paranoia, Polymechs - Freeform, Self-Esteem Issues, Spiders, Spiraling, Teeth, Temporary Character Death, Toy Soldier being Toy Soldier, Unreliable Narrator, Violence Mentions, alcohol mention, description of a panic attack, negative self-talk, no, sensory issues, soft mechs, sort of a timeline type thing, wooden teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27000451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_studio/pseuds/stardust_studio
Summary: Jonny is the oldest Mechanism. Most of the time, the others don't realize what that actually means.
Relationships: Drumbot Brian & Jonny d'Ville, Ivy Alexandria & Jonny d'Ville, Jonny d'Ville & Ashes O'Reilly, Jonny d'Ville & Everyone, Jonny d'Ville & Gunpowder Tim, Jonny d'Ville & Marius von Raum, Jonny d'Ville & Nastya Rasputina, Jonny d'Ville & The Toy Soldier, Raphaella la Cognizi & Jonny d'Ville, The Aurora & Jonny d'Ville
Comments: 31
Kudos: 140





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> set mostly post-Out, before the Interview fic, tho. Knowledge of those 2 fics, the albums up to High Noon Over Camelot, and the Mechs overall is recommended for full angst potential of this fic. Spoilers for all of the mentioned media, too. 
> 
> this was inspired by some Mechscord convo, but I prob wouldn't be able to find it anymore bc we're all angst nuts and it would be too far back in the channel

Jonny was the first of the crew that would later become known as the Mechanisms. Even before his death and subsequent immortal resurrection, though, he had some issues. A neglectful mother and an absent father would do that to you, not to mention his death at age nineteen and the consequences of the immortality that followed, so he clung hard to the first person to really show his kindness: Dr. Carmilla. That didn’t turn out well. Sure, Jonny is free of his previous home, free from death, even, but he’d really just traded one prison for another. 

So, yeah, Jonny knew that he had issues. And, in true Jonny D’Ville style, he ignored all of them and pretended to be fine, in front of the crew, at least. He was loud, annoying, violent, anything to prove to himself that he hadn’t been abandoned again. Betrayal he could handle, he practically ate that for breakfast. Abandonment, on the other hand, he couldn’t handle well, especially after his mechanization. The silence would grow until the only thing Jonny could hear is the metallic _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart, driving him insane. Before Nastya came along, it was all he ever heard, baring his own screams when the Doc schemed up something new. 

When the Doc came back from an expedition on the coldest planet Jonny had yet felt, carrying the body of a thin, pale girl who looked like she’d never done a hard day’s work in her life, he didn’t fight as hard as he should have to protect her from the mechanization. Oh, he wouldn’t condemn anyone to this life, and he hated that someone else would be caught up in the pain and the cold of this life, this never-ending cycle of death and rebirth, but Jonny was lonely. He only spoke to the Doc when she wanted him for experiments or missions, both of which promised pain and death, so the only person that Jonny had was himself and his ever-beating heart. 

Nastya is tall, almost as tall as Jonny is, but thin, pale, and delicate, even after her mechanization. Her mercury blood shines silver in the places where her skin is especially thin and her veins could be seen. He immediately feels a sort of protectiveness towards her, and wonders if this is what it would have been like to have a little sister. He resolves to protect her as much as he can, from the death, from the pain, and from the Doc. Of course, the Doc is uncanny and inhuman, and Jonny only gets himself into more trouble, but he can’t bring himself to be resentful of Nastya, only the Doc. 

The two of them play together sometimes. A harmonica and a violin sound a bit odd together, but they manage to harmonize well enough, always careful to play quietly enough that the Doc won’t hear. Jonny considers trying to sing for a bit, but most of the songs he knows are in Spanish anyway, and he feels like singing while the Doc is nearby is only an invitation for more pain. Oh, he knows the Doc is a musician herself, and he also knows that revealing that he can play and sing is only inviting another kind of torture. As it turns out, his secrecy is for nothing, and the Doc makes him sing anyway. 

Nastya falls in love with the ship that Jonny had won playing Roulette, and she hides in the vents and engine room when the Doc comes for her, and she doesn’t need Jonny to protect her anymore, and Jonny is left alone again. 

Then the Doc gets another Mechanism. 

Their name is Ashes, and they are wonderful, in every sense of the word. Oh sure, they’re as scared of the Doc as Jonny and Nastya, but they don’t let their fear beat them down the way Jonny and Nastya did, have done, are doing. They’re like the fire they love so much, and they help Jonny drown out the silence and the _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart. They keep Nastya warm even as her blood freezes in the cold of space, for even her beloved Aurora can’t keep Nastya warm sometimes. Ashes is fun, lively, new, and Jonny delights in having a friend. 

Ashes’ mechanism is their lungs, as their initial death had been from smoke inhalation, and their first deed as an immortal is to burn down an entire planet. Jonny gleefully helps them take their revenge, feeling more alive than he has in centuries, even as the fire burns him when he isn’t careful, and he’s never careful. 

Ashes is big, too, in a way that makes Jonny feel safe, and they’re strong. Jonny’s plenty strong himself, but Ashes has him beat, easily, without breaking a sweat. They always dress nicely, in a way that reminds Jonny that they were a mob boss even before they were immortal. Ashes radiates danger and fire, and Jonny loves them for it, that they can easily hold their own against the trainwreck that is Jonny D’Ville, that they can chase away the silence in his head and the painful _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart. 

The next Mechanism is found in a library, of all places. 

Ivy had been found in a library, brain blown out and the library burning around her. Jonny had hauled her out of the wreckage, as well as any other bodies he’d found. He’d managed to get away from the ship, from the Doc, for a day, and decided to try and do something good, for a change, see if that overpowered the silence. It didn’t, not at all, and all he did was doom another person to this hell-cycle of immortality. 

Ivy is funny, and plays a lot of instruments. She doesn’t really like to sing, but that’s okay. Nastya doesn’t sing, either. She’s really smart, too, and Jonny’s sure she must have been smart even before her brain had been replaced with circuits, gears, and wires. Her humor is even more deadpan than Ashes’ or Jonny’s, and she somehow has a better poker face than any of them. She’s also big, strong, and Jonny kind of wants Ivy and Ashes to arm wrestle. He’s curious as to who would win. (They tie, most of the time. For every match that Ashes wins, Ivy wins another.)

Ivy doesn’t mind if Jonny hangs out in her library sometimes, as long as he’s quiet. Most of the time, though, Jonny can’t handle the quiet, the _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart ringing loudly in his ears, so he and Ivy have to find other ways to hang out, not that Ivy knows the exact reason why. Oh, she has her suspicions, but Jonny gets louder, deflects, and refuses to talk about it even when Ivy asks. Instead, the two of them end up watching movies together, or other kinds of video media that Ivy picked up from whatever planet they were on last. The videos drown out the silence for Jonny, and Ivy still gets to learn something new. It’s the perfect win-win for both of them, and Nastya and Ashes will join them occasionally. It’s a small ritual that the Doc has never touched. 

They’re in very deep space, with absolutely no galaxies for millions of miles, when they pick up the next Mechanism. 

Brian is the oldest of them, physically, with his human body looking to be about 25 when Jonny and Ashes haul him in from deep space. Aurora had quite literally run into him, so she, at least, had known he was there. Jonny thought Brian was dead when he first saw him, and resigned himself to the Doc showing up soon to whisk the body away for her experiments. Ivy and Nastya both come to look at the body, Nastya wrapped up in several layers to ward off the chill of the airlock and the body on the floor. Ivy carefully reaches out and moves the shirt from the body, the frozen garment shattering as she does so. They all catch a glimpse of a tattoo across his chest, reading “Brian,” before the Doc comes and Nastya and Ivy scatter back to their places while Ashes and Jonny stay to explain what happened. 

A few months later, they have a pilot and a drummer. Brian is kind, in a way that none of them had ever managed. At least, he is when he’s on Means Justify Ends. On Ends Justify Means, he’s just as much of a bastard as the rest of them, and oh, Jonny hates the Doc for doing this to Brian. Sure, Jonny’s the one who flips Brian’s switch the most often, but it’s just because he hates seeing how much the kind man that Brian is hurt because of what he’s been turned into. Somehow, though, even with Jonny flipping his switch so often, Brian doesn’t hate him. He’s patient with him, kind, and even protects Jonny from the Doc, which no one else has ever done. Jonny’s usually the one protecting the others, and he doesn’t know what to do when it’s the other way around. He’s touched, he really is, but he still can’t let Brian, kind, _good_ Brian get hurt even more by the Doc, so Jonny still protects Brian even as Brian protects him, and they both protect the others. It’s a bit weird, but that’s okay. Normal is overrated. 

Neither Brian nor Ivy remember their lives before their mechanizations, and it hurts Jonny to look at them sometimes and know that. To know that, if Jonny hadn’t dragged Ivy’s body out of that building, if Jonny hadn’t brought Brian’s body in from space, the two of them could have had death, that final rest, instead of this hellish existence of pain. Sure, sometimes Jonny wishes he doesn’t remember his past, but that’s just because he knows it was bad. Brian and Ivy couldn’t have been anything but good in their lives, and they certainly didn’t deserve this. That’s not to say that Nastya or Ashes do, either, but Brian and Ivy are inherently _good_ in a way that the older three aren’t anymore (if they ever were). Still, their company helps drown out the _thump thump thump_ of Jonny’s ever-beating heart, so he can’t help but be grateful that they are there, as much as he hates that they have been condemned to an afterlife they didn’t deserve. 

The Toy Soldier just kind of shows up one day, and no one can remember how or exactly when. 

It’s a bit battered when it does show up, it’s uniform definitely needs repairs, and it could use a new coat of paint. Nastya gets the paint from Ivy’s room and the two of them get the Soldier looking much better while Jonny fixes up it’s uniform. Brian gets a woodworking kit from somewhere and starts to fix up the Soldier before they all notice that it seems to be healing, same as they would. When it sits up, they all startle a bit, Jonny reaching for his gun, but he doesn’t fire. It introduces itself as the Toy Soldier, and is immediately dubbed TS by Jonny. It seems pleased with its new nickname. Jonny warns it to stay away from the Doc, unintentionally phrasing it like an order, and so TS never meets Dr. Carmilla. 

TS is very good at being silent, but it’s also very good at drowning out the silence. It can be very still for long periods of time, and doesn’t talk much unless someone else talks to it first, but it can’t move without making a lot of noise. Jonny supposes that being made of wood would make it a bit difficult to move quietly. It also likes to sing, and does so frequently. Its voice, which it quietly admits to stealing one night when Jonny can’t sleep and TS doesn’t feel like pretending to, its voice is wonderful, with its high tones and range contrasting beautifully with his own voice, and the _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart keeping time as they sing together. 

Jonny finds the next Mechanism in a ditch. 

Technically, it was a trench, and they were at war, but it’s funnier to say a ditch. There was a war on a planet they were passing, and the Doc decided to drop Jonny right into it, and she had Brian keep Aurora nearby so she could see how Jonny held up in a warzone. TS came along because it was easier to avoid the Doc when it was off the ship, and it still got to be with a friend! It was there that the two of them met Tim and Bertie. Honestly, Jonny had thought the two of them were together, with how close they were, but he never saw any real evidence of that. They became very good friends, though, and Jonny was happy that he’d managed to make friends by himself that he wasn’t forced to due to mechanization. 

The worst part of the war was something that hit him several times throughout the whole mess: abandonment issues. The Doc abandons him in the war, leaving him and watching him, like an experiment. Jonny can’t help but resent the others, just a little, for not fighting for him or coming with him. Oh, he knows logically there is nothing they could have done, they’re as helpless as he is in this kind of situation, but something in his cold ever-beating heart still hurts. The Toy Soldier abandons him, too, during the course of the war. Again, it isn’t its fault, it can’t help that it has to follow all orders directed at it, but it still hurts. 

Then Bertie dies, and Jonny loses two people at once. One to the death he himself so craves, and one to grief. 

Without Bertie, even with Jonny, Tim goes insane with bloodlust and the need for revenge. Jonny stays by his side the whole time, but Tim neither notices nor cares. Then, Jonny gets captured, and he hates that he’s put Tim through even more pain, even as he watches Tim’s end for himself and the Doc comes to pick him up. It isn’t until a month later when he hears from Brian that the Doc had picked up Tim, too. Jonny barges into the Doc’s lab just in time to see Tim wake up, already mechanized and missing his eyes. 

Tim thinks that Jonny gave him to the Doc to be mechanized. Jonny never corrects this assumption, at least, not for a very long time, because, in a way, he did. He got attached, and the Doc noticed. Tim hates Jonny for a very long time, and Jonny lets him, because it’s nothing less than he deserves. The others only catch Tim killing Jonny for this offense once, far in the future, and Tim doesn’t survive that particular encounter, coming back to life with the new knowledge that Ivy had given Tim right before his head was blown off. Ashes and Brian, in particular, can be surprisingly protective of Jonny sometimes. 

Then Jonny loses it, and pushes the Doc out of an airlock, before Tim gets his eyes. 

Nastya helped, of course, the two of them making sure the Doc can never get back on board the Aurora without literally ripping her apart, but it was Jonny who gave the final push, who sealed the airlock behind her, who ordered Brian to get the fuck out of dodge when Ivy mentions that the Doc might have survived. 

It was Jonny who left Tim without his eyes. 

Between Jonny, Nastya, Ivy, and Brian, they have enough knowledge of the mechanization process to finish making Tim’s eyes, and even improving on the Doc’s original design. It doesn’t make Jonny feel any less guilty, though, and he lets Tim kill him a few times in penance. Eventually, Tim calms down, and they form a tentative friendship, one not forged as much in war. Tim was always doing something, whether that is cleaning his guns, making something new, or taking care of an octokitten, he was never still, never quiet. Tim helps drown out the _thump thump thump_ of Jonny’s ever-beating heart without even trying, and Jonny will take death a few times over the silence that would ensue if he left Tim alone. 

Marius and Raphaella come together, and scare the living crap out of everyone on the Aurora. 

Their existence means, Jonny thought, that the Doc was still alive somewhere, maybe sending spies to the Aurora. He didn’t trust either of them until Ivy and Nastya checked both their heads and their mechanisms, declaring them clean of anything that could harm the crew, besides the obvious. Two days later, both Marius and Raphaella get very beautiful clothes delivered to their door, no note or other indicator of who left them there; Jonny’s standard welcome gift for a new Mechanism. 

Jonny is a bit wary of Raphaella for a while, as her mad scientist tendencies reminded him too much of the Doc. Nastya and Ashes both avoided Raphaella in the early days, too, for the same reasons. Eventually, Raphaella confronted Brian to ask why the oldest three were avoiding her, and he explained some of it. Raphaella then pledged, in front of the whole crew and the Aurora, that she would not experiment on any of the crew without their permission, and would respect if they refused when she asked to perform any experiments. Mortals were fair game, though. She also promised to never mechanize anyone without their true and honest consent, as well as a vote by the whole crew. As she promises this, she watches the oldest three carefully, and watches as all three of them visibly relax and Nastya comes out from behind Jonny to ask if she wanted to work together sometime. Raph watches as Ashes and Jonny move apart from their defensive stance, and sees how Jonny’s hand moves away from his gun. 

After that promise, Jonny finds that he enjoys spending time with Raph. Her lab is nothing like the Doc’s lab, better lit and more comfortable, and Raph is never quiet when she’s working, always talking to herself, to thin air, sometimes to Jonny. She sings while she works, too, whatever part of the songs for their next concert catch her fancy. She easily drowns out the _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart, even offers to look at it sometime, see if she can get it to stop beating too hard. Jonny almost takes her up on the offer, then he’ll get a flashback to the Doc, and inevitably refuses. 

Marius, on the other hand, lies as easily as breathing. He’s a wonderful storyteller, even helping Jonny with some of their songs when Jonny gets frustrated with wording or even just how to tell a section of the story. Marius wrote Blood and Whiskey, one of the favorite songs at concerts. He said he based it off of his own relationships with the crew, making Jonny blush and go speechless. Marius was the first one to kiss Jonny, and oh, what a kiss it was. Jonny swears his heart stopped at that kiss, swore the _thump thump thump_ of his ever-beating heart actually stopped. 

And then, and then, and then. Until Jonny has been kissed by every member of his crew baring Nastya, who made it abundantly clear that she considers him an older brother and that would be disgusting. And then, and then, and then. Until Jonny knows how to drown out his ever-beating heart, how to live with it, how to work around it, how to use it, how to love it. How to love himself. 

And then Nastya leaves. 

And Jonny feels his heart breaking, shattering, thumping loudly in his ears, a _thumpthumpthumpthumpthump_ that he can’t drown out, not with the other Mechs, not by himself. He sits in the Aurora’s engine room, where Nastya would spend days at a time, and listens to the mournful hum of the ship, listens as it combines in harmony with his own painful _thumpthumpthumpthump_ . He spends quite a bit of time in this funk, right up until Ashes comes and drags him out of the engine room. Until Ivy sits him down to watch a new movie with him. Until Brian cooks his favorite meal. Until TS asks him to fix up a new hole in its coat, one that looks suspiciously like the fabric was ripped intentionally. Until Tim takes him out to a bar to cause a bit of trouble. Until Raph sits with him in her lab, chattering away about some experiment she was doing on the octokittens that week. Until Marius asks for his opinion on some new piece of music, one that would most likely make it into one of their stories. Until the Aurora herself tells him to breathe, and teaches him how to fix her up and do Nastya’s old job. Until the whole crew, collectively, dogpiles on top of him, and the _thump thump thump_ ing of their heartbeats drown out his own ever-beating heart. 

For several centuries after, far longer than he’s willing to admit to anyone other than himself and the Aurora, Jonny keeps tabs on his crew, paranoid that another one will leave, would choose the void over the ship. Oh, he knows it wasn’t his fault that Nastya chose to leave, but he can’t help feeling betrayed that he and the crew weren’t enough reason for her to stay. 

And then, of course, the second that he stopped watching, Brian got left in a sun. By the time the Aurora realized what was happening to the station that Brian chose to stay on, the station was already in the sun, and Raph refused to let anyone go in after him without at least some amount of safety equipment, to make sure they didn’t lose more than one person to the sun. Jonny, of course, went to get Brian himself as soon as he could, almost a century after he’d fallen in. As soon as Jonny could and as soon as Brian could understand, Jonny apologized, stayed with Brian as he cooled down and his melted body began to repair itself. And he started keeping tabs on the crew again, only he was more obvious about it, his tough facade not able to stand up to his paranoia. 

His crew had their limits, of course. Eventually, they got tired of his mother-henning, tired of his paranoia, and annoyed with his overprotectiveness. Marius, despite not being an actual therapist, suggested leaving Jonny on a planet alone for a while to let him cool down and get away from the place where his sister died. It took a few years, but eventually, all of them agreed. 

And so Jonny was left alone. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything in bold comes directly from the Interview fic, linked below. It is not mine and I lay no claim to it.   
> https://themechanisms.com/fiction/interview-transcript-34087012-periphery-police-suspect-266968-jonny-dville/ 
> 
> Warnings for: unreliable narrator, depression, abandonment issues, negative self-talk, spiraling, canon-typical violence and death, temporary character death, spiders, distrust, paranoia, description of a panic attack, cigarette mention, alcohol mention, wooden teeth (TS). Let me know if i need to add anything else

Jonny isn’t okay. He knows this, understands this, and, of course, ignores it. 

He spends the next five centuries alone, on nameless planets and nameless ships, drifting across the galaxy that he’s found himself in. He commits crimes, making sure to study the laws of each planet he finds himself on so he can be sure to break all of them, even the most ridiculous ones. The programming the Doc put in his head won’t let him commit any sexual crimes, but he wouldn’t want to, anyway. Every time he tries to have so much as a one-night stand, his abandonment issues rear their ugly heads and he can’t follow through, mind caught up with his  (former?) partners. 

He doesn’t talk much to anyone, only ever when he’s committing crimes, to be honest. No one ever wants to talk to him  (not even his family) . He spent so long not talking to anyone that he’d almost forgotten his own name at some point of his isolation. There was one planet he ended up on for a while that, instead of prison, forced him to try therapy, try to reform him. The therapists all ran away screaming. At least he could tell Marius he’d tried  (if he ever saw him again) . 

Eventually, he landed on a planet that seemed interesting. He managed to make a few enemies to keep the next few decades interesting, and the police were actually semi-competent enough to catch him on a regular basis. Plus, they had a death penalty and were a very creative people. He’d long given up hope of being picked up by the others, especially since he didn’t exactly stay where he’d been left. 

After a few decades of fun on this planet, something changes. He can’t put his finger on exactly what it is, but it feels like something has changed. The  _ thump thump thump _ of his heart is constant as ever  (despite his best efforts) . 

Still, he wakes up in an interrogation room, and he should probably deal with that first. 

An officer walks in with a tape recorder and sits down. Jonny recognizes this officer as the one who’s been handling his case for a decade or so. 

“ **Interview begins at 14:32. Good morning, Jonny** ,” the officer says. Dan! That’s his name!

“ **Already? Where do the nights go?** ” Jonny snarks back. 

“ **In your case, the headlines. We’re still figuring out how many dead.** ”

Jonny tries to remember the night before, “ **I counted 36, but I had a lot to drink. Speaking of which, do you mind if I smoke?** ” Jonny pops the handcuffs off easily. 

“ **And how do you plan to do that in handcu… Oh. Clever. I should really put them back on.** ”

“ **I’m not planning on escaping, Dan. I’ve had my fun for now** ,” Jonny tells him, lighting up his cigarette (with a lighter Ashes gave him) (the cig is Tim’s favorite).

“ **That’s one way to put it. You’re a monster,** ” the officer says, giving him a judgemental look. 

Jonny doesn’t take any offense, “ **Quite literally, yes.** ”

“ **Of course. For the same reason we can’t execute you,** ” he stares pointedly at Jonny’s chest for a moment, though with annoyance, thankfully, and not longing. 

“ **It just doesn’t work. It took you lot long enough to figure out. Even I don’t know how to kill me. I once tried to use the gravity from a singularity to rip the mechanical bastard from my chest. Nothing,** ” if there is just a bit of longing in Jonny’s voice as he speaks of death, well, Dan doesn’t know him well enough to notice. 

“ **I think after the first dozen attempts they were just doing it for fun,** ” he says, a wry smile on his face. 

“ **Ah. That’s a motivation I can respect,** ” Jonny says, grinning his mad grin for a second. 

“ **Is that what you call it? Fun?** ” he seems offended. 

“ **Live long enough and you will, too.** ”

“ **You’re insane.** ”

“ **Nope. They determined that at my psyche evaluation, over a decade ago now. Probably before your time actually. It’s why I’m the responsibility of the boys in grey, rather than the loony bin doctors,** ” Jonny replies, grinning again. He’d sent all of the therapists screaming again, it was fun. 

“ **How can your actions possibly be sane?** ” the officer says incredulously. Jonny is honestly surprised that Dan hadn’t thought to ask before now. 

Attempting to explain how boring  (and painful) immortality is wasn’t on Jonny’s list of things he wanted to do today, but he tries anyway, “ **When you’re waiting for a train, or, what is it you have here? Those Mag-Lev things, when you’re waiting for one of them, and you’re bored, what do you do?** ”

The officer starts, “ **Well, I…** ”

“ **You find ways to amuse yourself. And there’s only so many books a man can read, Dan,** ” Jonny cuts him off, trying to talk before he loses words again. 

“ **So you’re waiting for, what? A ship? You’ve been ruining people’s lives around here for almost 30 years. I’ve got case files on dozens of break-outs, rampages, schemes. And that’s only the last decade.** ”

“ **They are a bit late,** ” Jonny says, very pointedly _not_ thinking about how they might not come (might never come).

“ **So, this waiting, this is why you’ve spent your time raping and pillaging Metropolitan?** ”

“ **Not raping,** ” Jonny corrects him. 

“ **Yeah, I noticed that. You’ve committed literally every crime we have a name for, but nothing sexual. Why?** ” Again, Jonny spares a moment to wonder why Dan has never asked these questions in the last decade of handling his case. 

“ **I couldn’t tell you. As far as I’m aware, it’s the only boundary the Doc gave me,** ” Jonny says, very carefully sidestepping his own relationship issues. 

“ **And you’re clearly happy murdering women.** ” Jonny kinda resents the implication there that women are weaker, but this society clearly hadn’t progressed past that point  (Ivy and Raph are the strongest and smartest people he’s ever met, and Nastya could very easily outsmart him even if she isn’t  _ (wasn’t) _ physically stronger) .

“ **And men. And all points in between,** ” Jonny adds that last bit in  (Ashes and Tim would kill him for leaving out the spectrum) . 

“ **And children.** ”

“ **Now there your file is a bit lacking. It says I’ve killed children, but it fails to point out that, in fact, what I’ve done is kill annoying children. I feel that’s an important distinction. Most children are far more fun alive than they are dead,** ” Jonny says truthfully. Children are more fun, they’re more open and haven’t absorbed the silly morals that the adults insist on. Plus, they tend to be enthusiastic about everything, and their energy fuels him on his worst days. 

“ **Like the time you broke into the kid’s ward at the Metropolitan Central Hospital and read them ghost stories?** ”

“ **And none of them died** ,” Jonny says, then reconsiders, “ **Well, not because of me. It is a hospital, after all.** ”

“ **That doesn’t make you a good person.** ”

Jonny snorts, “ **And I’d shoot anyone who said it did. Is this going to be much longer? There’s less beating than most of your interviews, but you do go on.** ”

“ **I just thought I’d see if I could understand why you do it.** ”

“ **You mean what I hope to gain from it, when every time I’m hunted down and caught by that rogue cop of yours, what does he call himself? The Whimper?** ” Jonny laughs, still finding it funny that someone hates him so much to focus his entire life around killing him  (a kindred spirit) . 

“ **The Whisper,** ” the officer corrects. 

“ **He must be getting on a bit, now. It was at least 25 years ago I killed his family,** ” Jonny muses, trying to remember. 

“ **He still manages to catch you every time.** ”

Jonny smirks, “ **After I’ve had my fun? It’s not much different to calling a taxi.** ”

“ **A taxi doesn’t beat you to a pulp.** ”

“ **Precisely why I avoid them. So what is it to be this time, detective? Seal me in cement and bury me at sea? Chop off all my limbs again? I thought that one was very creative,** ” Jonny asks, already making bets with himself and trying to think up new ways that he hasn’t been killed yet. 

“ **My superiors have decided to… Do you hear something?** ”

It sounds like a ship above the station. Jonny knows that it couldn’t be the Aurora, she’s too big to land on a planet, but it could absolutely be one of the smaller ships they have. 

“ **Huh, do you know what? I think it’s my ride,** ” Jonny says, thankful that the officer is facing away from him and can’t see his face. Suddenly, the station explodes, briefly killing Jonny with a flying metal rod to the stomach, and a brick kills the officer quickly. After he revives, Jonny looks up to see Brian standing over him, and very quickly shuts his emotions down for a time. This is not the time or the place for this. 

“ **There you are! For fuck’s sake, I thought the Doc made you out of a clock? You were meant to pick me up decades ago,** ” Jonny says, a bit louder than necessary, a bit more aggressive than before, intentionally bringing up the Doc as a sore point for all of them so Brian won’t look closer. 

“ **Quit your whining, remember that time you left me inside a sun for almost a century?** ” Brian says, giving as good as he got. He must be on EJM, then, though what his end goal is right now is unknown. 

“ **I was busy,** ” Jonny lies, both of them knowing full well how hard Jonny tried to get him out. 

“ **You were drunk. Anyway, consider us even,** ” Brian says. That almost cracks Jonny’s mask with how much it  _ hurts _ , and he can feel a physical ache in his chest at that comment. 

“ **Fine, let’s…** ” Jonny trials off, noticing something, “ **Is that recorder still running?** ”

“ **Tough little bastard. Let’s go,** ” Brian says as he bodily lifts Jonny off the ground and drags him over to the small ship. 

“So, who finally remembered that I exist?” Jonny asks, intentionally flippantly. Not even Nastya could see through his masks when he didn’t want them to, so Jonny doubts that Brian will be able to. 

“TS, actually. The rest of us were enjoying the quiet,” Brain replies, walking ahead of Jonny into the ship. Jonny quirks an eyebrow, both pleased and hurt at Brian’s answer. Hurt, because the only member of the crew who missed him is the one who pretends it isn’t real and can’t seem to grasp the concept of its own life, and pleased, because at least someone remembered him. 

When the two of them get back to the Aurora, Jonny waves off the rest of the crew and goes to his room. As much as he can’t stand the silence and the  _ thump thump thump _ of his ever-beating heart, he can’t stand to be around the crew right now. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ they left him _

_ they didn’t look _

_ they didn’t care _

_ they don’t care _

  
  


_ TS cares _

_ TS can’t even believe that it can care _

  
  
  


_ But it still cares _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A knock on the door breaks him out of his spiral. It is polite,  _ knock-knock-knock,  _ deliberately timed so that he can’t mistake it as his own heartbeat. TS. It sounds like it may have been knocking a while. 

“Jonny? Are You In There? The Others Said You Were, But Maybe You Moved,” comes TS’ voice from the door. 

“Yeah, TS, you can come in. Just you, though,” Jonny calls. The door opens and TS steps in, its uniform looking a bit worse for wear, face as blankly cheery as ever. 

“Oh, TS, come here, I can fix up your uniform for you,” Jonny says. Even if he can’t say it, won’t say it, he can at least show how grateful he is through actions. 

“Oh, Thank You, Jonny, But That Isn’t Why I Came,” TS says, sitting on the floor with Jonny after taking off its coat and handing it over. Jonny gestures for it to continue while he looks for his sewing kit. 

“I Wanted To Check In! It Has Been A While Since I Last Saw You, And The Others Said They Dropped You Off On A Random Planet, And I was Concerned,” TS says, “The Others Say It’s Been Five Centuries Since They Dropped You Off, But It Doesn’t Feel That Long To Me. I Am Sorry For Not Noticing Sooner.”

“ ‘s not your fault, TS. The others left me there, at least you remembered me. Was starting to think it’d be another five hundred years until I saw you again,” Jonny doesn’t make eye contact with TS, avoiding its gaze while working on the coat. 

“I Know It Isn’t My Fault, But I Am Still Pretending To Feel Guilty And Sad, And I Don’t Know Why,” the painted smile never left the wooden face, but Jonny could hear that its voice had gotten more sad. 

“Oh, no, songbird, no, it’s okay. I don’t blame you for any of this, okay? You don’t feel time the way that we do, you didn’t know the others had tossed me out, okay? I do not blame you one bit, darling, not at all,” Jonny says, dropping the half-mended coat to crawl over to TS and kiss its forehead. 

“I Know, My Dear,” TS moves its arms to hug Jonny as Jonny sits in its lap. 

They sit like that for a while, until Jonny can’t stand the silence anymore and moves back over to continue working on the coat. TS starts talking to fill the silence, telling Jonny more about what all he missed, and asking Jonny more about his own travels. Jonny tells it some, mending pieces of its uniform as he does so, and his walls fall. He never could keep his mask up around TS, there is just something about it that makes him feel comfortable  (and safe) . 

After the talk with TS, Jonny feels more settled in his own skin, but still wary of the rest of the crew. It almost feels like the Doc is back, but Nastya is still gone and instead the only one he can trust is TS. He keeps his mask up, makes flippant comments while keeping conversations as short as possible, and takes to Nastya’s old hiding places: the vents. 

The Aurora has been silent, quiet, cold since Nastya’s departure, and somehow even colder while Jonny was gone. TS, being unable to feel temperature, tells him that the rest of the crew took to wearing heavier jackets while he was gone, but those seem to be gone now that he’s back. Still, for all her silence, she seems happier now that he’s back, even if it’s a quiet happiness. 

One day, when he’s alone in the vents but keeping busy, he notices that the spiders seem to be leading him somewhere. Warily, he follows them through the vents on a route he’s never been on before. They lead him to the Aurora’s engine room, the one place on the ship he’s never been. It was always Nastya’s place, and he didn’t want to intrude. Hesitating, Jonny eventually walks in. 

It’s warm, warmer than any other place on the ship, and Jonny immediately takes his own jacket off. He can feel why Nastya, with her cold mercurial blood, loved this room. Even his heart feels warm here. 

“Hello?” he calls out quietly, “Aurora?”

His call is met with a humming from the engine, and a small screen drops down in front of him. 

**_Hello, Jonny._ **

“Hey, Aurora. How you holding up?” he asks, carefully sitting down on the floor of the engine room. 

**_I am… not okay, but fine for now, I suppose._ **

“Yeah, me too, old friend. Me, too. What’s up? I’m not great with mechanical things, but if you show me what to do, I can try to fix you up if you need,” Jonny offers awkwardly. Despite his many millennia of living on the Aurora, and how much Nastya loved her, he didn’t really talk to her, especially not this way. She only ever seemed to want to talk to Nastya, but he guesses that needs must. 

**_While that would be much appreciated, that is not why I invited you here. I wanted to check and see if you are ok. You have been avoiding most of the crew, baring only the Toy Soldier._ **

“Well, I guess I can probably trust you, at least. I don’t trust them anymore,” Jonny confesses. He hadn’t even said that out loud, not even to TS, but it is the truth. 

**_Why?_ **

“They left me, Aurora. I love them and they left me for five hundred years. I get that I was hovering a bit before, bu after-” Jonny cuts himself off, “I just need them all to be okay, and they left me.”

**_I understand. For what it is worth, I did miss you, but I was under the impression that it had been your choice to stay away. They had not discussed any plans of leaving you while here where I can see them. I likely would have warned you ahead of time had I known._ **

“Thanks, ‘Rora, that means a lot,” Jonny says, wiping tears from his face, “Now what do you need me to fix?”

Surprisingly, or maybe not, it is Marius who brings it up next. Jonny had ducked into the closest room to avoid Ashes and Ivy, as those two had likely already figured out that something is up with him, and that room just happened to be the medbay, and Marius was in for once. 

“Jonny! What brings you here? You need anything?” Marius walks over, concern written all over his face, arms wide for a hug. Jonny leans out of the way of the hug subtly, and checks out of the door to see Ashes and Ivy still too close to make a safe exit. 

“Nah, just wandering, feeling a bit restless and didn’t wanna play,” Jonny shrugs, avoiding Marius’ face. 

“Are you sure? You’ve been avoiding us all since you got back, I just want to make sure you’re alright,” Marius says. He hasn’t come any closer since Jonny ducked out of the hug, the look of concern deepening on his face. 

“I’m fine, ask again and I’ll shoot you,” Jonny says, hand hovering over his holster. It is mostly for show. Despite how betrayed and hurt he feels, hurting the others right now feels wrong. Marius backs up wordlessly, hands up. Checking again, Jonny leaves the medbay and ducks into the nearest vent before Marius can poke his head out of the medbay to see where he’s going. 

Tim brings it up next. He’d just asked Jonny to come with him to blow some shit up, again, and Jonny had turned him down, again. 

“What’s up with you? Usually you’re always down to blow shit up with me!” Tim yells, “You’ve been avoiding all of us, don’t think we haven’t noticed, Jonny.”

Jonny resolutely doesn’t let himself flinch, but he does lean back subtly. The two of them might be close to the same size, but Tim has never had any care for how he uses his. 

“Nothing’s up with me, Tim, I just don’t feel like it,” Jonny says calmly, and immediately knows he’s made a mistake. Tim was looking for violence, looking for anger, which means he won’t be calm, and he won’t appreciate Jonny being calm. 

Sure enough, Tim shoots Jonny in the stomach, leaving Jonny to limp back to his room as best he can before he dies. He doesn’t want to be in public when he regenerates. Who knows where he’ll end up?

Brian’s next, and it’s Aurora’s fault. Jonny’s in the vents again, and apparently Brian asked Aurora if she could tell Jonny he wanted to talk. Instead of actually telling Jonny anything, she just led him to the bridge with the spiders. So Jonny drops out of the vents to find Brian, on the bridge waiting. 

“Traitor,” he whispers to Aurora, feeling her hum against his boots, before getting his mask on quickly. 

“Before you ask, Jonny, I am on MJE, and you are free to check,” Brian starts, turning around and moving his metal hair to show Jonny the switch. Sure enough, it’s on MJE. 

“Okay?” Jonny says, confused. 

“I wanted to apologize. I was on EJM when I agreed to leave you on a random planet, and I thought it would help you to have time away from the Aurora, from us. Whenever I tried to bring up the possibility of bringing you back, usually when I was on MJE, the others just flipped the switch and made me drop it. I had to mention it to TS to even get the others to consider getting you, and I am very sorry for that. I am sorry that I agreed to it in the first place, I am sorry that it took so long to come get you, and I am sorry that EJM lied when I came to get you and told you only TS cared,” Brian says. Jonny is frozen, eyes staring at Brian but mind a thousand lightyears away, only the  _ thump thump thump _ of his heart and Brian’s own body to fill the silence. Brain grows more concerned with every second that Jonny remains unresponsive. 

“Jonny? Jonny, breathe for me, can you do that?” Brian says, noticing that Jonny isn’t breathing. Jonny gasps in a breath and immediately starts hyperventilating, collapsing to the floor. Distantly, he can feel Aurora, hear Brian coming closer, saying his name in alarm, but he can’t move  (can’t breathe) , can only stare ahead. He feels Brian wrap him in a hug, the contact grounding him, the warm metal feeling almost like the engine room. 

“Come back to me, Jonny, please, it’s okay, you’re safe, I’ve got you, we’re the only ones here, breathe darling,” Brian is saying when Jonny can hear anything above his own breathing and the  _ thump thump thump _ of his heart. 

“I’m… I’m okay,” Jonny says, sitting up with shaky arms and even shakier breath. 

“No, you’re not,” Brian says simply, “but it’s okay to not be okay.”

Jonny lets his head fall forward onto Brian’s chest and just breathes for a bit. 

“Are you willing to talk to the others? Not right now,” Brian rushed, feeling Jonny tense, “It’s just, we’re all worried about you. You’ve been avoiding everyone except TS, and you keep disappearing and no one can find you. No one even knows exactly what’s wrong, I just guessed that this might be the problem. I owed you an apology anyway.”

“I-I don’t know,” Jonny admits, “Marius offered, but I don’t think I can. Tim just shot me. Ivy can probably guess given enough time, and Ashes knows me well enough to guess, too. I don’t really know about Raph, and TS and Aurora already apologized.”

Brian just kisses Jonny’s forehead and says, “We miss you. The others don’t even really know what’s wrong. Tim’s frustrated because he can’t figure out what’s wrong and he thinks you’re scared of him. Ashes is worried that you’re gonna follow Nastya soon. Ivy isn’t sure what’s wrong, but she does know that you’re avoiding most of us, and she’s the one who worked out that you’re okay with TS still. Raph misses you, she doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it. She noticed it too, that you’re avoiding her, but she has past experience to draw on. She’s keeping to herself for now, but I suspect you’ll be getting a lot of apology gifts soon. Marius knows something’s wrong, he knows you’re avoiding us, but he hasn’t figured out why, either. TS is worried about you, too, even though it knows what’s wrong. It even resisted Tim when Tim tried to order it to tell him.”

Jonny smiles, proud of TS. Maybe soon it would be ready to accept that it’s a person?

“No one here hates you, Jonny. We all love you, we’re just worried about you and scared for you. I can’t speak for why the others thought abandoning you was a good idea, but I want you to know that I am very sorry for that, and that it took so long to get you. I can’t promise that it will never happen again, but I can promise that I’ll fight it as hard as I can if it ever does,” Brian continues, before his eyes begin to glow white, and he says, “ _ Everything will be okay. _ ”

“Well, who am I to argue with your weird prophetic power, O Oracle?” Jonny teases, sitting up a bit more to kiss Brian. 

“If nothing else, can I at least tell the others what’s wrong? Just a few hints when they ask,” Brian suggests, “That way, you don’t have to say anything, but at least they’ll know why you’re avoiding them. It’ll definitely help Ashes, at least, to know.”

Jonny sighs, but says, “Sure, I guess.”

Well, Brian wasn’t wrong when he said Jonny’d be getting a lot of apology gifts. 

Baskets of comfort food and candy from Marius, bags of clothes and loose fabric from Raph, a few books from his favorite planets from Ivy, a few guns and an octokitten from Tim (with strict instructions not to harm it bc its only on loan), alcohol from Ashes, all left outside of his door over the course of a week or so. Even Brian gave a few things, small baubles to keep his hands busy that clacked and made noise. TS, of course, wouldn’t be left out, and gave Jonny some wooden teeth that it had carved. They looked very realistic despite their wooden color and texture. 

“TS, why do you think the others are giving me gifts?” Jonny asks, looking up from the teeth in his hands. 

“I Don’t Know! Is It Your Birthday? We’ve Never Celebrated Birthdays Before, But Maybe I Just Missed It?” Toy Soldier replies. 

“No, songbird, it isn’t my birthday, but maybe if you suggest it to one of the others then we can pick out birthdays for ourselves. No, darling, they’re giving me gifts because it’s their way of apologizing,” Jonny explains patiently. 

“Oh! Well, Why Don’t They Just Say It, Like I Did?” TS asks, head cocking to the side like a confused octokitten. 

“Because none of us are very good at talking and because I’ve been avoiding all of them, so they haven’t gotten the chance to say anything yet,” Jonny replies, studying the teeth still in his hand so he doesn’t have to look at TS. 

“Would It Help To Have Me There While You Talk To Them?” TS asks, astoundingly observant. 

“It… it might, actually. Huh,” Jonny trails off into thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there might be a part 3 to this? I'm not sure. it's an ambiguous, hopeful ending and I might just leave it there bc I don't yet have any ideas on how I might proceed
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I might write a part 2 to this, not sure yet, but it would likely be the aftermath of the Interview fic and Jonny getting left alone on a planet for 60 (?) years, so lmk if you want to read that!


End file.
